


Arum Lindorm Drabbles

by Daethesub



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Suicide, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2017-03-23
Packaged: 2018-07-14 01:45:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7147070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daethesub/pseuds/Daethesub
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bits and pieces as written by Arum Lindorm aka Smaug.</p><p>The first chapter is a suicide note from Arum Lordum Aka Smaug to Porphos Seine Aka Nori in the Reincarnation verse.</p><p>The second chapter are diary excerpts. </p><p>It's also my first ever fanfic. </p><p>No Flames please.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Thorinsmut](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thorinsmut/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Saudade Extras](https://archiveofourown.org/works/892759) by [Thorinsmut](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thorinsmut/pseuds/Thorinsmut). 



I'm not sure if I'm hoping that you never read this or that you do. If you never read this your view of the world will remain intact you'll be happy if you do read it you'll be hurt so deep.  
Maybe I should have tried telling you when I was still alive. But you wouldn't listen and I couldn't think of any way to make you without hurting you further first.  
Is it selfish of me that I'm willing to hurt you only after I'm dead? 

I'm not a dragon. Not now. Maybe I was once in another life a life so real I can't doubt that it happened. So not maybe. I was once a Dragon.  
But I I am not a Dragon.  
I am not Smaug even though I am.  
I am Orum Lindorm no no I was Orum Lindorm because now I am dead. 

And I'm sorry to hurt you but I had to tell someone and there was no one else to tell.  
I am not a Dragon and you are not a Dwarf. For all that you have a lifetimes worth of memories saying otherwise.  
Or maybe you are I don't know what makes a Dwarf a Dwarf.  
I know only what makes a Dragon a Dragon. 

A Dragon is pure selfish greed a lust for gold that cannot be overcome. A Dragon is a lack of love a lack of careing age old feelings of want and need and have interspersed with bright flashes of anger and amusement. Being a Dragon is lacking lonlyness lacking fear lacking heart ache, sadness.

Dragons can't feel those things. And for all that I wake and stare confused at my body in the mirror because it is not my body. I am glad that I am not a dragon because I can feel glad not to be a Dragon. Because a Dragon would not feel as I do would not feel my confusion staring in that mirror. Would not feel Glad. 

I am not a Dragon I did not kill thousand of Dwarves for all that the taste of them sends me puking to the toilet at three in the morning. I can't eat meat anymore.  
I didn't kill your father, I read the blog of the person who was once Dori, but even so I wake screaming No into the night dreaming again and again that I'm piercing a Dwarf with my claws and that That Dwarf was him. Or worse You. I hardly sleep.  
I did not 

No I won't list all the things I haven't done. 

I'm not a good man. I'm a bad man maybe even an evil one. But I'm human. 

 

Porphos Seine, Nori whatever your name I love you.  
And I hope in the next life we end up together and Don't remember.


	2. Police transripts of diary entries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Police transcripts of Arum Lordum's diary entries which prove further insanity.

Police records  
Transcribed for legibility  
Diary entries by Arum Lordum

Was it all just the dragon? That made me who I am so callous and cruel? I know I am but I can't seem to change.   
He will take me down. Or They will or whoever shot that arrow but I'll be taken down and I look forwards to it.   
To once again not knowing. To being purely myself whoever that self is in my next life. I hope that person never finds out never remembers. 

 

I don't want this I don't want these memories it's hard to not end up just another addict who doesn't care.   
It's not me. Or is it. I can't tell.  
I miss flying it's the only good memory I have flying and gold. 

All these tiny people worthless short lives so desperate for money that isn't even gold that's meaningless I should just squash them squash them all. 

 

I feel sick what did I write I'm just noo 

Puking again I think I'll give up on meat I wake up and the dreams I don't want to eat people I don't.   
People really do taste like pork. 

 

I woke this morning shivering cold and I wanted to set my bedroom on fire to warm myself up. I hate this why can't I just go back to who I was before. Why won't He come back I love him I do I do I promise I love him. I'm so cold these days. 

 

Was she someone should I recognise her but don't but then how would I I don't even know His name his dwarf name. God I love him I didn't realise I could feel this strong until he was gone. It's been years and there is still a hole in my chest and it's not the missing scale it's the piece of my heart he tore out when he left.


End file.
